Hello Beloved,
Funny how life has a way of circling around. I know this is a lot of repeat from the last post “Prodigal” but it is my “process” to get on with life.
Seems like a few different lifetimes have happened since I was last active for real on this silly little blog of mine. The people I thought were real gifts from God have all dropped me from their lives like I was toxic mold.
A few bullet points that have happened include: getting legally married to my wife, people who were important to me and who I thought loved me no matter what turning their backs to me, changing jobs in a big way, my wife getting sick and becoming disabled, a friend diagnosed with cancer, burying my mother-in-law, losing my father-in-law to the depths of Alzheimer, burying my wife of 34 years, and burying a couple pets. I am tired of loss, give it a rest for awhile OK.
Now I get to rediscover who I am, what I believe, and what is important to me. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? After all I am still young enough to have yet another whole life. Part of me, a really big part, would be content to just close the door and be satisfied with my critters in my little house. Forget about the world past my front steps. I think however that the more reasonable part of me will win out and I will make an effort to not isolate. Who would have thought that I would be in a place to start over. It is completely terrifying actually. When I said vows with my wife the first time around so many years ago I fully intended on growing old with her. What now? My Dolly, I wish you were here to point me in the right direction. Thankfully I am no stranger to talk therapy so I have the ability and willingness to reach out for help. Just an aside, I would encourage you to find a good therapist if you need help.
The last couple months I have had more time than ever to sits and thinks as it were. I had shoulder replacement surgery and have been limited on what I am able to do. However, I am getting better. Strengthening therapy is a bear. According to my wonderful surgeon I am about 15 years too early for this kind of surgery but this is what happens when all of my energies were focused on taking care of my beloved. If I could, I would give up the surgery to have my Dolly back. Since that is not possible I will say surgery has been one of my better decisions in a while.
What does the new Mona look like? An interesting question. Some things from way back are starting to kick again, my want to write again for one. I have some creative projects that have come to the forefront of my brain that are asking to either be finished or junked. I really want to get another tattoo, would be my 4th, but it would cover a bit more than half my body. What to do, what to do? Oh yeah, there are 10 dermal piercings included in said tattoo. My momma must be spinning.
How do I go about finding language for the person I am becoming? Does God want to deal with the Mona that is becoming? I had a thought in the wee hours of the morning the other day. At the moment I feel like a whole bunch of little bits of dough. Each one is a part of me that I have previously kept tightly sealed away in their own tiny box. What I would like to do is to put all these bits together in one pan and let them rise into one beautifully baked dinner roll. Is that even possible? Will the bits snuggle up together to become one complete being or will they fight to stay separate? Can I successfully merge the body modification part with the front pew on Sunday morning part? Would all the various parts even be allowed in the front pew? Would all the parts want to be there? So many questions, so few answers.
I am finding it very interesting that the bit of me that longs to be close enough to God to exchange whispers and knowing glances is kicking as hard as it is. It is equally interesting that the bits that seek the “fringe” are kicking equally hard. How fun for me!
Enough blah, blah, blah for now my beloveds.
In His Service and Yours
Mona LangmaackMelin
Mona's Monday Musings 