Lost Light

Hello beloved,

I hope you are having a day that will provide contentment and satisfaction when you look back at it after the sun goes down. I have been having a bit of a difficult time myself. I struggle with a couple diagnosis that cause me to experience a rather high level of pain most of the time. Sometimes when the constant pain is not broken up by moments of peace I tend to get very disillusioned with pretty much everything.

I have been thinking lately what good does it do to put these blog posts out there into the ether? I bet if I stopped writing there is not a single person on this earth that would give a rat’s ass one way or the other. The only reason I keep writing is because I made a promise to my own Beloved. I am grateful that she is not here to see how I can barely walk when I get home from work these days. Then again if she were still here I would find it within myself to power through and not let her know how much I hurt. Nothing like a double-edged sword, yeah.

Days like this I kinda wish I could pack up my little zoo and just disappear off into the mountains where there is a cabin and a lake and a lifetime of already cut firewood. I may not even get around to posting this particular writing because it is too real, too honest. It lays bare the reality of my life too much. But then again, somehow I doubt anyone one close enough to me really have a hand in my world will ever read it.

There are only a couple people that would have that kind of access to me, and they are not blog readers so, there it is. I can say what I want without thinking about what anyone might think about me. How is that for twisted logic?

I suppose some might call this a crisis of faith, but I do not think that fits right. I do not think less of God or that He isn’t real. Sometimes I think He is THE ONLY thing that is real. I think maybe I don’t think He has the time or the desire to give a rat’s ass about me.

I don’t know, is this too much? Maybe it is just the pain talking. Maybe I should take a handful of painkillers and go to bed and try it all again tomorrow. Well, now that I have given you a big dose of “Debbie Downer” not much left to say except,

Beloved, have a lovely…

Mona LangmaackMelin