Tired of Firsts

Hello Beloveds,

The dreaded last of the “firsts” is soon here. The more I think about it the more I find I don’t put a lot of weight on the idea that everything starts to get better after the first year of firsts. Things change, feelings change, emotional levels change. Change does not equal better or worse. It is just change. So, what if a year has come and gone since I was left to fend for myself. Why do people think that makes any difference to how the rollercoaster rises and falls?

People differ on how they deal with stress and grief. Sometimes people are able to deal with and manage the loss of a loved one faster than others. Sometimes it takes a lot longer. You know what, it’s all OKAY. There are no set rules on how fast we are “supposed to” manage grief and loss. For some people, the first year is big milestone. I am beginning to think that I am not one of those people. The holidays have come and gone, my birthday, her birthday, our anniversary, yada yada. I keep expecting to totally lose it but have not yet. Even on the day that I had all her stuff taken away there were no tears. I wish the breakdown would happen; it might help me to feel more “normal”.

Normal is one of those trigger words that in reality don’t mean much at all. Normal is what you define it to be for you within an acceptable range set by the society you live in. To me, normal is taking as much time as you want to grieve and deal with the stressors in your world. If you are grieving, please know that whatever timeline works for you, that is the right one.

If making it through the “first” year is a big deal to you, OK. If not, that’s OK too. I have heard it said that the first year grieving people are in shock, the second year they actually grieve and the third year, the rollercoaster gets a bit more stable. What do you think about that? When I get through year three I will probably write about it. I guess the bottom line is this… don’t let anyone tell how you should grieve. The only right way for you is what is right for you.

Judging from the 51 weeks that have passed since my Beloved passed, I somehow do not believe that year 2 will be a whole lot different from year one. I could be totally wrong, wouldn’t be the first time. Keep on keeping on Beloved. It will get easier. Whatever the “IT” is that you are dealing with.

Have a lovely…

Mona LangmaackMelin